Today would've been my 30th anniversary. 

30 years.  That's almost unbelievable.  I still remember that day pretty well.  When I think about it though it's like remembering a movie that I've watched somewhere in the past.  It seems like I'm observing this memory, not having actually participated in it.  Weird.

Thinking back on that day and imagining what I thought my life would look like in 30 years, well, I don't think that I could have imagined the plot twists that have since been revealed to me.  Both the good and the bad ones.  You know what they say about best laid plans....

I always knew that I'd get married.  But I didn't know that I would become a widow at 43.  

I always knew that I wanted to stay at home and have a farm and do farm things.  But I didn't know that I would have to get a job and work whilst still trying to create that reality.  

I always knew I'd have kids but lately I can't fathom that they are no longer small children.  So much of my adult life has been spent as a mother so this lapse in identity is startling.  Not completely unexpected, but unfamiliar just the same.

I never knew that people would come and go in my life.  Surprisingly in both good and bad ways.  

I never knew that I would be happy again.  I did not know that my life could change so dramatically but still be perfectly wonderful.  

Maybe this is the lesson (or one of the lessons!) I'm supposed to grasp in life:  Never think or assume that things will turn out the way you expect them to.  And then be open to the shifting truth of  just living and be so grateful for all of it.

After 30 years, I think it's starting to click! 

10 years.

 I think that's right.  I've always said I didn't want to remember the day or year (or any of it, truth be told) because that part is insignificant and doesn't really matter.  I still feel that way.  Yet when the time comes back around each year, I am jolted by a sudden realization of what this time of year signifies.  When I go to gather the eggs in the afternoon, the smell of the January air stirs something melancholy in me.  The particular color of the evening light makes me feel anxious and tangled.  There is a strange feeling of having my emotions all jumbled up, but also feeling nothing and everything at the same time.  On edge.  Untethered.

And then I remember and it makes sense.

I suppose there will always be a suffocating weight that threatens to overtake my mind sometimes.  When something "good" happens with the kids, I am sad you aren't here to see it and tell them how happy you are for them.  When something "bad" happens, I vacillate between resentment that I alone am here to slog through it or another dose of that blasted sadness.  Sometimes a Mom and her words just aren't enough to help.  Sometimes a Dad's words of encouragement or admonishment are necessary too.  So yes, I think for the remainder of my life I will always be aware of my solitary position here.  Can't say it feels very good.

I've always told the kids that everyone in this world has some sort of adversity they must face sooner or later.  Of course there's different levels of this adversity but in the end no one gets out of here unscathed or untouched by pain and trauma.  I've told them that your death is just one part (albeit a pretty big one!) of their stories.  They cannot allow that singular experience to be the definition of their lives.  Yes, it can be an influence for sure, but do not let it make you (too) cynical or discouraged.  We all must continue on, as proof of our own strength but also as a testament of honoring what you would expect.  

I love my life.  Everything that I've ever wanted or ideas that I've wanted to create are my reality now.  I think the most important lesson that I, personally, have extricated from this process is gratitude.  Plain and simple thankfulness.  I am always grateful for the good, the bad, the mundane, the exciting, the boring...for every bit of life, I am grateful.  For the lessons I've learned, for the people I've welcomed into my life, for the people I've removed.  Grateful.  For what I've been given, what I've earned, what has been removed.  Grateful.  

I think that realization and recognition are the best ways of remembering and honoring you.  Sure, there will always be sadness and grief lurking about in the darkest corners of my life.  But gratitude is like the candle that illuminates those dark places and banishes the shadows.

I like candlelight.

How I Became a Mom.

 My oldest child turns 28 today.  That seems impossible.  I guess I'll sound super cliche when I say "This is the child who made me a mother."  And some more cliche stuff..."I can't believe I have a child who is 28!" 

But in reality, this is the child who I learned how to be a mother with.  I guess she was my experimental kid?  The one I got to practice on?  

Madeline has always done things her own way.  She has her Dad's laid back nature and doesn't get riled up about much.  Her patience comes from Bill too. She is like me with her love of surrounding herself with "things" and collections.  She also inherited my wordiness, which I think is lovely.  When she was not quite 2 years old, our pediatrician said he'd never seen a child who spoke so eloquently.  Proud moment for me!  Probably annoying for everyone else.

I'd share some cute baby pictures of Madeline if I could but I can't because they all burned up in the fire.  Let me tell you though, she was the cutest baby, with a head full of hair and the cutest nose.  She did have to wear a hat for the first few weeks of her life because her head was lopsided due to the vacuum extractor that was necessary for removing her from my uterus.  That's a story for another time.

Madeline was the only one who got me to herself.  It was just her and I for a couple of years.  As the other kids came along she became the best big sister.  She's still the best big sister.  She spends several afternoons each month adventuring with a sibling (or two) in tow.  I've always thought this was such a kind and generous thing for her to do.  She probably spoils Sarah as much as I do.  There's enough of an age difference between my girls that Madeline can sometimes be confused as Sarah's mother.  This always makes me laugh until I realize that would make me her Grandma....

It's been fun for me in the past several years to spend time with Madeline as an adult.  I mean she's the adult, I'm not sure what exactly I am now.  But we've gone to a few concerts together and traveled together and doing those things with your very own grown up kid is pretty cool.  It's like I've potty trained you and taught you to brush your teeth and now you're showing me how to call an Uber and giving me suggestions for the newest eye cream I need.  She's my go to for things like that.  She also fixes my computer and my phone when I've messed them up.  She will tell me when my hair looks bad or when my clothes look dumb.  

I could go on and on sharing funny stories about this girl.  How she called her brother "Smee" (from Peter Pan--I was Wendy) for years or how she was obsessed with The Little Mermaid (to the point that she wore a red wig!) or how she loved the word "actually" and used it often and with a  saucy flip of her hand.  

Nah.  Not today.  Today I just want to wish her a happy birthday and tell her how much I've loved being her Mom all of these years and that I'm so proud of her.  Her "Papa" (that's what she called Bill, usually with the same "actually" hand flip) would be proud too.  He loved being your Dad so much.

Happy birthday, Madeline!  I love you!  And I'm really sorry that you started your life with a messed up head due to my inexperienced uterus.

I Hardly Ever Leave Home Anymore.

 I like an adventure.  Big ones like vacationing or small ones like driving to the Bimart for snacks or totally unnecessary things like gel pens and kitchen gadgets.  I'm usually up for just about anything.  For the past few years though, I've felt less and less like leaving the house.  This has made me feel a bit guilty at times but it's also made me delve deep into the "why" of this phenomena.  I'm definitely NOT agoraphobic so forget that crazy idea!  I just like to stay home I guess.

When my kids were little and I was in the thick of motherhood and the never-ending monotony of the mundane, even a quick trip to the grocery store felt like a little adventure.  Honestly, doing just about anything with a herd of kids in tow always felt like an adventure.  Am I right?!  Also, when I was out of the house there was no one there to mess it up with dirty dishes or toys or whatever sorts of rubble kids create.  I think I also enjoyed watching (aka judging...let's be honest) what was going on outside my own domain.  

Now, I wish for long stretches of days where I don't have to leave the house.  I can Instacart my groceries to the back door.  I've got enough projects waiting for me to tackle that I never get bored.  The basement has a well-equipped gym so I can get all sweaty without leaving the house.  Why would I want to go anywhere else when I can sit on the back porch and drink some tea?  

I have visited some really beautiful places but I have found nothing better than home.  

Which brings me to the whole job/work thing.  I didn't have one of those things for about 20 years.  I was lucky that way.  I stayed home and raised kids and played housewife.  I was good at it too!  It wasn't perfect and there were plenty of times that I felt like I was contributing, to society or my household.  But I loved it and will never regret the time and energy I dedicated to being the typical 1950's woman.  Or 1880's woman, depending on whether I was churning butter...

I got a job about 10 years ago.  I had to.  It was hard in the beginning, things were such a departure from the lifestyle I had always known.  Slowly though, we all acclimated and I found a new kind of stability.  And a strength that I needed and hadn't realized I possessed.  I was actually supporting my family.  On my own!  I was poor as the proverbial church mouse, but I was doing it.  

Fast forward a few years.  I still have a job and I'm lucky enough to actually love it.  At least most of the time.  And I'm lucky enough to have found someone to share life's burdens with; financially, physically, emotionally.  I don't have to live like a spiritual rodent anymore!  There are times that I remember, all too clearly, the feelings of uncertainty and fear about how, or if, I was going to make it.  I was scared a lot of the time back then.  I think that fear is what keeps me going to work every day.  I don't want to every be back in that daunting place again.

Lately though, I've felt this little niggling remembrance about how nice it was to "just be a housewife."  To spend my days taking care of the house and the yard.  Growing the garden.  Cooking and baking.    Making our house so cozy and comfortable for everyone in it.  I miss the freedom.  Time wasn't as pressing.  

I suppose that's exactly why I don't like to leave home now.  Everything I want and love is right here and I value being home above just about everything else.

How I Knew.

 I think this is a funny list.  

How I knew Jake was my person:

1.  He corrected my grammar.  And pronunciation of certain words.  NO ONE does that.

2.  He knew what a flower frog was.

3.  He knew how to make a bed correctly i.e. the flat sheet goes on the bed wrong side out in order to have the correct side face out when you fold back the top.  Seriously.

4.  He showed me the correct way to fold towels.

5.  Toilet paper goes over the top of the roll.  Always.

6.  He walked out of a store with a Heath bar for me.  Without me ever telling him.

7.  He stopped for chocolate.  And Jake never stops.

8.  He introduced me to the Expendables.  And The Green Mile.  And Tombstone.

9.  He did not judge me for watching Hoarders or My 600 lb. Life.

10.  He accepted my excessive use of fairy lights.  And plants.

Barefooted Butter-Churner. (Or what my friends actually think I do in my spare time)

I grind my own wheat into flour.  

Heck yeah, I do.

 I actually do all sorts of ridiculous homestead-y things, but grinding flour is probably my favorite.  It's loud and messy and makes our kitchen smell a little funky.  The white plastic bucket that the wheat kernels are packaged in seem a little apocalyptically prepper to me.  Or mildly Amish but I can't be Amish because I use electricity to grind my grain.  Someday I need to write about the Amish friend I made in Virginia.  We used to write letters to each other and she would occasionally call me on the phone. I am an official FOA...(friend of Amish).

But we're not talking Amish now, we're talking flour.  

It takes about 8 cups of wheat berries to make 14 cups of flour.  That's enough for a lot of loaves of bread.  And cookies.  And muffins.  

The "Magic Mill" that I use (seriously, that's what it's called and it is magical) was purchased at a garage sale.  For five measly dollars.  I think I bought it from a lady who really wanted to be a homesteader-type but quickly realized that buying bread from the store was infinitely simpler than going through the nonsense of wheat grinding and bread baking.  I like to think that us wheat grinding and bread baking people belong to an elite and special counterculture of dangerously complicated folks.  Indeed, we will change the world one loaf of bread at a time.

I hear the timer in our kitchen going off now so I need to go tend to the sourdough loaf that is proofing in the kitchen.  Probably need to feed the sourdough starter (mine doesn't have a name but I am open to suggestions) and think about starting a new batch of kefir.  There's ferments to be fermented and SCOBYs to be grown (for those of you who don't know;  Symbiotic Culture of Bacteria and Yeast--it's how you make kombucha).  

And don't even get me started on the crazy stuff I like to do with the raw milk!  Now that stuff is (illegal) just plain wild!  Raw milkers are definitely counterculture!

ETA:  I suppose I should clarify that I don't actually do all of this stuff currently.  I probably have at one time or another though.  And lots of other sketchy and/or weird stuff.  I'm always evolving my weirdness.  

Need some freshly ground flour?  I'm your girl.

Finished product!

This is how it starts.  The basement looks like it belongs to a prepper!

 And this is the lady who does the hard work.  Purchased at a garage sale for $5.  What?!  You don't have a grain mill at your house?!

Hey? You Still There?!

 New Year's resolutions...don't most people make them?  And more currently rather than making resolutions, I've seen folks choose a word that they hope will embody all that they aspire to be and do in the new year.

I love the idea of New Years. I'm just too old and lame now to care about ringing in the new year at midnight, mildly tipsy and feeling a little bit giddy with anticipation and expectation.  Instead, I get super excited about writing things down in the new calendar/planner that I have so carefully chosen to organize my life for the next 12 months.  

I know, I know, I am so wild these days!

I still do love a good resolution though.  Nothing too expansive or implausible.  Here's a few things I've included on my list for 2024:

1.  Revisit retirement investment options. (How very adult-y) 

2.  Make dentist/dr. appointments for the next year.  (How incredibly lame.  Responsible, but lame.)

3.  Make a point to get together with my girly friends once a month.  (Enough said...)

4:  Keep work stuff out of our home.  (Also enough said...)

5:  Read more.  Write more.  (Ok, I'll admit it: knit and sew more.  Could I be any lamer?!)

6.  Be more aware of how I'm fueling my body.  (I really need to be able to continue running and lifting for another 20 years or more so the people in my life will not suffer unfairly.)

7.  Call my kids more often.  And take pictures of things we do when we're together.  (All of our pictures burned in the fire so I guess we'll start over.)

I have used the "Level 10 Life" template, inspired by the book, "The Miracle Morning" by Hal Elrod, to influence my resolutions for the upcoming year.  I like the concept of making small, mindful tweaks to my everyday routines in order to "level up" life.  I gotta say though, my life is pretty great as it currently stands and there's not much I really want or need to change up.  For that, I am grateful.    Eternally so.

I miss writing here.  But in the past many years, I've also become a little more private about sharing too much about my life.  Partly because I don't seem to have much interesting stuff to write about.  Partly because I want to be respectful of my people and not put any of them on center stage by sharing too much.  And partly because I want to keep all my dirty little secrets hidden away from prying eyes and the tittle-tattle of gossipy tongues.  (What kind of dirty little secrets do I hide?!  Does she use *gasp* boxed cornbread?  Acrylic yarn?!  Tide laundry soap?!  You'll never know....)

I do hope to write more often in this upcoming year, probably for my own satisfaction than for anyone else's benefit.  We shall see just where this goes.  But happy new year to everyone...may this one be full of exactly what you're wanting.

50

 Today would be Bill's 50th birthday.  

I'm spending the day doing the kind of stuff I have pretty much always done on or around September 2nd;  canning applesauce, digging potatoes, making chocolate cake, reading a book.  Thinking about what to make for dinner.  Maybe going for a little adventure to find a new coffee shop. (Because birthdays are made for adventures and coffee!) 

Bill didn't like to make a fuss about his birthday.  Usually just cake and milk and maybe dinner out.  Oh, and Carmelizers.  *insert eye roll here

Simple stuff.  

Simple.

Sometimes I think I might have forgotten what simple is and how to do it.

I think simple is making the conscious choice to tune out the noisiness that is ever-present in our life and just be.  Like just accepting where we might be, allowing things to just be how they are.  Not adding or subtracting.  Not trying to control or influence anything.  

Just being.  

This is one of Bill's favorite quotes.  I like it.  

I Think I've Written About This Before

 but I'm feeling like it might be something that I need to revisit many times.  Slow learner, maybe?

It's funny how unexpected things can spark something in us and cause us to have an epiphany of sorts.  Out of the blue, something we read or hear can make us feel like, wham, clarity.  Or sometimes, wham, you're an idiot.  

So I'm going to admit something.  Something I'm not particularly proud of.  Maybe even slightly embarrassed of, truth be told.  I watch "And Just Like That."  There, I've said it.  I am a pathetic middle-aged woman who regularly watches trashy television.  (If you're not familiar with this show, it is the sequel to the popular "Sex and the City" series.  But now the characters are middle-aged.  I'm not sure that I can even relate, but watching certainly makes my time on the treadmill scoot right along.)

Ok, so now that I've fessed up my dirty little secret, let me tell you about what part made me have the wham-o moment.  The main(ish) character is reading an excerpt from a book she has written and (I paraphrase here) says that we will all find ourselves needing to outgrow parts of our lives in order to keep living.  Even icky stuff that seems insurmountable.  It might still be big and ugly and scary, but we will, hopefully, grow bigger and stronger than the ick.  And when we grow, figuratively, (hopefully not literally) we will have to leave parts of ourselves behind.  Like after you have a baby and can't fit into those size 2 jeans anymore....you just throw that shit in the Goodwill bins and get the stretchy pants.  Evolution and good riddance!  Probably not the greatest analogy...

For some silly reason, this scene in the episode made me hop on the siderails of the treadmill and take a minute to consider deeply what I'd just heard.  Wham. 

I think we are supposed to stop trying to keep the status quo of our lives.  We are supposed to be open to giving up control of things we think we need to have control over.  We need to unlearn the way we've done things before and be open to learning a new way to live.

Flexibility?  Surrender?  Being in the moment and not worrying about the past or future?  I like these ideas.

Lately I have really struggled with my place in life.  My kids are *mostly* grown and don't need my help like they used to.  I've always been a Mom so this transition into not being a daily Mom has been surprisingly difficult for me.  I have felt lost and untethered.  Now, this could also be a symptom of menopause, but we can talk about that on another day...  My days have always revolved around kids and their accompanying detritus. What the heck do I do now?!

That is the million dollar question:  What the heck do I do now?  I have time. I have income.  I have freedom. I think I even have a certain amount of experience and wisdom.   And I feel lost and unsure of what I even like or who I even am.  Gosh, I reread that sentence and it sounds so melodramatic!  But I'm pretty sure I need to feel like this and embrace the unknowing in order to figure out the answers to the afore mentioned questions.   And then relearn me.  Hmm.  I kinda like how that sounds.  Relearn me.  

As always, I am open to suggestions. 

A & W

 I went to A&W for dinner tonight.  I drove through the familiar drive-thru and picked up dinner for Jake and me since it was just the two of us at home this evening.  Sitting in that familiar parking lot waiting for my food, I was struck with the longevity of the relationship I had with A&W throughout my life.  My. Entire. Life.  

My grandparents lived almost across the street from A&W.  Their house is no longer standing and the property no longer resembles the park-like fairyland I remember loving to explore.  The daffodils still bloom there in the spring.  I always find a day to sneak past the barrier fence that now surrounds the property and pick every single one of those flowers.  I still think of them as "mine."  A&W was always a part of visits to my grandparent's house.  If we spent a summer morning picking raspberries, it was assured that we would run past the fish pond, traverse the path that ended by the railroad tracks, and then cross the street to the A&W to pick up a quart of soft serve.  Soft serve and fresh raspberries are a delicious memory from my childhood.   Sigh.  Sometimes we would head over to the restaurant on Friday nights because the shrimp basket would be the daily special.  And the glass gallon jugs of rootbeer were the perfect addition to homemade ice cream, ala rootbeer floats.  Later, when my Grandma deemed me old enough, I was allowed to walk to A&W with an older cousin (by ourselves!) to get an ice cream cone.  It's lovely to remember those times.

I remember, also, the real fireplace that once stood in the center of the restaurant.  It always seemed so cozy inside when it was burning.

My first job offer was at A&W.  When the Dark family owned the restaurant I recall John Dark offering me a job once I turned 13 (I was about 9 years old at the time).  I was absolutely smitten with the idea of working there and I was probably also smitten with the attention of Mr. Dark!  For years, in the back of my mind, I figured I could buy all the things I could possibly ever want with the promise of a paycheck from that job.  (I never did work there!)

Let's not forget about Dwight.  Dwight was a stuffed Rootbeer Bear from the A&W that my childhood friend, Mimi, loved above all other toys.  Dwight came to all the slumber parties with us, accompanied us to a teddy bear tea party, and was always where Mimi was.  Dwight was another part of A&W that permeated my life.  Dwight, if you're reading this, I miss you.

Remember going to the A&W after high school games?  I remember sitting in a booth with so many friends, sharing smothered fries and floats. There might be a fight in the parking lot to watch in awe-filled silence.  There might be the boy you liked sitting in the booth behind you.  There would be gossipy conversations, sidelong glances at your crush, and so much laughing.  A&W after a game was often the start of a night to remember!  IF you could get someone to answer the phone and take your order!

Once I grew up and had my own kids, the A&W was one of the first restaurants they visited.  By now the fireplace in the middle was gone and the interior had been remodeled.   It was no longer necessary to go outside to use the bathroom!  And there was the addition of a playground.  My kids were raised on rootbeer floats, cheese curds, and Baby Burgers.  

Do you remember the abandoned mini golf course in the overgrown lot behind A&W?  It was the stuff of classic horror movies!  I was probably 10 years old when my older brothers led me through the maze of dilapidated putt-putt holes, disappointed that we never had the chance to play a round.  Today there are apartments in that space.  Always makes me kinda sad.

I can only hope that this iconic restaurant stays around for the remainder of my life.  Maybe that's where someone can sprinkle a few of my ashes someday.

The Good, and Especially the Bad.

 It's easy to be happy and love life when things are good.  Everyone is healthy.  There is nothing lacking or missing.  There are no impending disasters.  Drama is kept at bay.  Life is full of fun and excitement.

Status Quo.

But that sort of existence can be the norm for only so long.

So what happens when a catastrophe, big or small, smacks you right in the face?  Can you still be happy?  Can you still keep going?

Freaking heck yeah you can!  

In fact, adversity is the very thing that strengthens our own self as well as our relationships with other people.  Shared hardships forge layers of depth in any relationship and that depth is what creates strength.  Think of a tree with deep roots.  That tree, with those deep roots, will remain standing despite wind and snow, and drought.  Withstand.  Overcome.  Remain.    

Now I'm not saying that we must suffer, often and intensely, as the only way to grow deeper.  That sounds like a terrible way to live!   What I mean is that we need to keep those adversities in perspective and allow them to expand us.  And then dig deep and stay the course.  

And in between the rough days?  That's when you appreciate and delight in the good.  That's when you are able to be grateful and draw from that well-created depth and revel in the profound happiness that is yours. Shared good things also grow us and create depth.

The contentedness of simple things will feel so good.   

Like Melville says in Moby Dick, you cannot fully appreciate anything without a contrasting feeling to compare it to.  You cannot appreciate good without accepting and embracing bad.  

I guess I'm old enough to have learned and understand this principle.  At least I try to most days!  I will take the bad, and I will let it add another layer of depth and wisdom to me, and then I will love the good with a freeness that makes it all worthwhile.

Be like a tree.  Sorta.

We're All a Train Wreck!

 I have to admit something.  Something that I'm a little ashamed to admit actually.  

I have selfishly thought that the traumatic and devastating events in my life are worse than other people's misfortunes.  

There.  I said it.  I have kept score and ranked my adversity above others.  

I'm not sure what got me thinking about this while running today.  I do love how a nice hard run offers clarity to the nonstop narrative in my mind.  It occurred to me that my trials were not necessarily more difficult than others but just disparate.  

And why was I keeping an unofficial score?!  What an ass!

I think we are all unfortunate recipients of bad stuff at some point in life.  Disease.  Death.  Financial disaster.  Deceit.  Lies.  Heartache.  Confusion.  Fear.  Abandonment.  Loss.  The list is nearly unending.

No one is immune to this stuff.  

So, if we are all suffering from some unavoidable and agonizing situations, then aren't we all part of the same train wreck?  And if we're all a train wreck then aren't we all "Even Steven" in the equation of existence?

Let me say, so as no one thinks I've been cold-hearted and uncaring, that I have felt so much empathy to those around me who I see suffer.  Your heart hurts, my heart hurts.  But I have also learned that it is necessary for me to separate myself from their pain in order to not get sucked into the abyss of despair.  

Sound a little dramatic?  Maybe.  But I've been in that abyss before, for far too long, and it is not a fun place.  

I'm a fixer.  I want to fix all that is wrong.  #41-50 of my "50 Things I Have Learned in Life" should be the same lesson, repeated 10 times:  I cannot fix things. 

Life is rough sometimes and it cannot be fixed.   You know what I can do though?  I can remember that we're all going to be part of the train wreck at some point in time and we all just need a little bit of love and grace to get us through when it's our turn. 

Choo-choo, my friends.

Part IV

 31.  Know when to remove yourself from your life.  Sometimes you need a break from everything and just need to regroup alone.

32.  Admit when you make a mistake.  

33.  Don't apologize for someone else's perception of wrongdoing.  

34.  You are ultimately only responsible for yourself.  You cannot change how other people respond or how they think.   

35.  Eat well, sleep enough, and do some sort of physical work.  Do these three things most of the time.  That's healthy living.

36.  Say what you mean.  I am always amazed at how honest and direct communication can make life so much easier.

37.  Check the oil.  Rotate the tires.  Keep the interior (fairly) clean and tidy.  

38.  You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.  This applies to everything!  I also like to say, "If it looks like shit and smells like shit, it is, without a doubt, shit."  

39.  Wash your sheets weekly.  There's nothing like getting into a clean bed at night.

40.  Don't let the dishes pile up.  Or the laundry.  Do a little housework every single day and it will not get too overwhelming.  

Part III

 21.  Scrub all the floors at least twice each year.  And I mean really scrub them, with a new brush and down on your hands and knees.  

22.  Never go more than 3 days without doing some sort of exercise.  Working out has given me the necessary expenditure of energy that subsequently keeps my emotions in check.  I believe that the thousands of miles I have run through the years have probably saved a few lives. 

23.  You.  Must.  Laugh.  Often and a lot.  

24.  Realize that nothing in life is linear.  Expect this truth.

25.  Buy quality haircare products.  From your stylist.  At a salon.  Throw the bottles of Pantene out the window!

26.  Read or at least listen to books often.  Mix it up with both fiction and nonfiction varieties.  I am always surprised at the rabbit holes I end up going down as the result of reading an excellent book.  And I am also amazed at how my interest is piqued by subjects I never even knew I was interested in!

27.  Cheap beer.  Expensive whiskey.  And red Powerade if there's too much of either.

28.  Don't settle.  Don't tolerate.  Don't allow disrespect.  Walk the f*& away and don't look back.

29.  Find things that you love the scent of and use them often.  I love the smell of French NUXE products for my shower,  Mrs. Meyer's cleaners when I clean house, and Tide laundry soap for laundry.  Palo santo incense, lemon candles, and sandalwood essential oil make things smell great anywhere else.  

30.  Have traditions and rituals, seasonally and daily.  I always listen to the same Christmas music when wrapping Christmas presents.  I have used the same Halloween cookie cutters for ginger cookies when October hits.  I drink a glass of water every morning before I do anything else.  I always make chocolate truffles for Valentine's Day.  You get the idea.  Those little traditions are the cornerstones of life.

Next Installment...

 11.  People will always let you down.  That's the problem with having expectations.  Just be sure to not let yourself down.  

12.  Simple is almost always the best way.  With communication, with clothing, with the food you eat, with your lifestyle, with just about everything.  

13. Don't trust girls with high-maintenance fingernails.  I've said this before and I will always stick by that.

14.  Try not to let another person's actions (or words or behavior) affect your life to the degree that you give up your control.

15.  Always stop and buy lemonade from a kid's lemonade stand.

16.  Take care of your teeth.

17.  Know your worth.  Sure, there are going to be times that you feel unsure about your value.  That's just life.  But deep down in your gut, know your worth and don't let anyone or anything make you forget it.

18.  Sometimes you need to take a chance and just jump right in.

19.  Most rules have an exception or can be broken.  Actually, most rules should be broken at some point.  Just don't break the law or hurt anyone in the doing.

20.  Butter never margarine.  Real whipped cream not CoolWhip.  Whole milk not skimmed.  Fresh eggs never store bought.  Scratch baked goods not boxed.  (Except Hamburger Helper Potatoes Stroganoff on occasion--embarassingly real confession)

It's That Time of Year Again.

 The birthday is coming up swiftly again.  Yeeks.

I like to get all introspective around my birthday.  I think it's to be certain that I'm not stagnating and am still learning stuff despite the whole getting older thing.  You're never too old to learn something new or change a previous mindset.  

What have I learned this year?  Oh my.  That list could be long.  Hey, maybe what I should do is make a list of 51 things I have learned this year.  Well, maybe not things I've learned from only this year but maybe 51 things I've learned in my 51 years.  Hmmmm.  Might take a few episodes.

1.  My mind is a whirling dervish of *oftentimes* untrue thoughts. Seriously, my mind can make up all kinds of crazy stuff.  I am learning to tell that absurdly implausible bitch to pipe down!

2.  There is a fine line between selfishness and self-awareness.  One is appalling and one is rather admirable.  I am always trying to ensure that I'm walking on the correct side of that line.

3.  Too much cardio just hurts my knees.

4.  My value is not tied up in what I can accomplish or how much I can juggle.  (See #2)

5.  I can be peculiar and say peculiar things and think peculiar thoughts and still be just fine.  As long as I understand what I'm doing, well, I think I'm good.

6.  Trust is more valued than kindness sometimes.  Kindness can be a sham but trust, honest to goodness trust, is real.

7.  I'm sorry but I just have to say it:  fake eyelashes scare me to death.

8.  I will always, always plant too many green beans.

9.  Instacart.  My savior.  Seriously, you've got to try Instacart.  The amount of time and money (no more impulse buys!) it saves me far outweighs the cost of the service fees, tips, and delivery fees.

10.  There is very little in life that a good night's sleep can't fix.  Might just be my perspective that gets fixed but that alone is often enough.

Currently...

 

Wow.  This has been a spring to remember.  Just wow.

Covid seems to have disappeared sometime back in March and its hasty departure left a tangle of chaos and disarray in its place.  A giant mess for us to clean up  Or at least attempt to.

Then the ridiculous weather prevented baseball and softball seasons from carrying on as usual.  So much for my favorite spring tradition!  Poor Jon has been robbed of playing 4 years of high school baseball;  9th grade was a success, 10th grade was canceled due to Covid, 11th grade was abbreviated due to Covid, and 12th grade was one giant rainout!

And now I'm winding down in the last few weeks of the school year, preparing for Jon to graduate.  He will actually be the first of my kids who will graduate from high school.  The older two were fortunate enough to graduate from the school of Mom (aka homeschool) but didn't have the experience of formal graduation.  There are a lot of peripheral details that go into the planning and carrying out of this event! Not to mention the emotions that seem to effervesce through my heart at the thought of having now raised 3 children into adulthood.  Geez.  Did I do that??

Which brings me to the inconceivable fact that Sarah just turned 13.  What the altogether heck?!  I don't even know what to say about that.

We did have a lovely birthday celebration for Sarah though.  All of my kids were with us for dinner which made my heart happy.  Sarah wanted to have dinner at Sierra and as we all gathered and shared a meal, I looked around at our huge table filled with family and just felt so grateful and content.  On the drive home, those feelings leaked out of my eyes.  

Oh, and I forgot to tell about our recent weekend in Astoria!  Jake and I met his brother and sister-in-law (Julie #1) in Astoria for a little vacation.  This was a Christmas gift from Jake's parents for all of us and we had so much fun.  We shopped, ate, walked, hung out in a sketchy tavern, took multiple baths, watched TV. and just relaxed.  We laughed too.  A lot.  We both love being at home so leaving for an entire weekend is a big goings-on for us!  So.  Much.  Fun.

Jake got my garden tilled up recently and now I'm getting ready to plant!  It's a big garden this year-bigger even than last year!  In fact, I think it's the biggest garden I've ever had.  He likes to tell people that he made it big enough to keep me busy and out of trouble.  We've also been finishing up the new chicken coop and when I say "we" I mostly mean him.  It's big and red as a barn and will have my favorite barn quilt (a birthday present!) on the side when it's all finished.  I'll definitely have to post some yard and garden pictures soon.  I just love it here so much.

We have a baby cow now too!  His name is Shakey and we will bottle feed him until the end of summer.  And in the next few years, he will reside in the freezer in our basement.  But we don't talk about that.  *side note*  when we were looking for houses to buy, Jake really wanted to find a house with enough property so that I could keep my little herd of cows.  Fast forward to now and our bovine situation is so much better than I could have asked for!  I get to see them born and feed them sometimes and sit on the back porch and watch their antics every day.  He delivered exactly what I hoped for.  💕  

Would it be nauseating to talk about how contented I am?  And how happy I feel?  And how much at peace I am (most of the time)?  I wonder if people get tired of hearing this?  Like I said earlier, sometimes the emotions just effervesce and I'm awestruck with how my life is unfolding.  My people and I are safe and loved and cared for and respected and understood (most of the time).  My silly little heart overflows.

 

18.

 Tomorrow evening my third child will turn 18.  That means I've "raised" three of my four kids to adulthood.  Just one to go.  Or at least something like that.

Jon was born with little fanfare.  It was a straightforward and fast birth.  Naming him was a different story, however.  That took a few days and his grandfather was the one who suggested "Jonathan" as a name.  I added the "Henry" part.  

Jon was always an individual.  He didn't ever care what other people thought about his choices in clothing, music, activities.  Nope, Jon always did his own thing.  And his own thing was often a little quirky for sure!  

There is no better storyteller than Jon. Sure, many of his stories are unadulterated crap and you never know if he's telling the truth or telling a convincing story that resembles the truth.  He's fooled me plenty.  He inherited this skill from his Pop.  Maybe a little bit from me too.  Ahem.  Let's just say he came by it honestly.

On my kids' birthdays, I like to share a few bits of wisdom for them to ruminate on in the upcoming year.  

1.  Know your boundaries.  With people, beer, leisure time.  Don't let anyone convince you that they know better than you do or that your limits aren't ok.  Your gut won't lie to you.

2.  Any job worth doing is worth doing well.  Don't be a half-asser.

3.  People will disappoint you.  Know when to move on and learn how to let go without guilt. 

4.  Life will be unfair.  Have integrity anyway and ALWAYS do the right thing.  It might not be the easy thing either.

5.  Don't eat nonfat food.  Always go with full fat.  It's better for you and it tastes better.

6.  Save your money and time for things that will last.  Temporary isn't worth it.

7.  Try to always smell good.

8.  Never, ever stop learning.  There's always something more to learn.  

9.  Clean up as you go.  It's easier to keep things tidy and organized if you put in the work every day rather than waiting until things are a huge mess.

10.  Do not ever take yourself or life too seriously.  There is always an opportunity for fun.  Know how to find it.

Happy birthday, Jon!  Keep on being you.  I love you!

7

 Seven years ago tonight my life stopped being my life.  Well, at least the life that I had been living and the one that I was familiar with.  I don't want to think about that night very much, or the days that followed.  I don't much like to think about the years that followed either.  At least not the first few years.

 There was so much fear.  And bewilderment.  Confusion.  More fear.  Overwhelming sadness that bordered on despair.  Eventually, there was resignation.  Maybe a little desperation.  And guilt.  The guilt was a surprise to me. How come I couldn't fix this, for both myself and my kids?  

Silver linings?  Yeah, there were a few of those too.  I found my independence.  I found strength that I didn't know I possessed.  I started to find authenticity.  

There was so much we lost.  But in the losing, there was so much we learned and gained.  

Life is unfair.  To all of us really, but just in different ways.  We all get our dose of pain.  Every.  Single.  Person.  No one escapes this truth.

I suppose it's what we do with that pain that ultimately matters.  

 

This quote has always resonated with me, both literally and figuratively.  I have tried so hard to keep true to this idea, oftentimes falling so very short of the mark, but trying just the same.  

Imperfection and failure have been my close friends through the years.  I know them well and am not bothered by their insistent presence any longer.  We have a good relationship now.

Seven years is a long time.  Part of who I am exists because of the before.  Part of who I am is a result of the after.  And part of who I am is, thankfully, because of the present.  I will forever be thankful for all of it.  None shall be forgotten.

Not ever.

Two Years.

This year's Christmas tree.

 We have lived in our house for two years now.  We closed on this house the day after Christmas two years ago and immediately began moving our belongings in.  That was a process, let me tell you!

         My favorite farmer plowing my garden.

Me using power tools.  Scary.

This is the eleventh (I think that's right?) house that I have lived in.  And it has definitely earned the honor of being my most favorite.  Want me to admit something silly?  Sometimes I get up in the middle of the night and just wander around the house and feel overwhelming appreciation for exactly where I have landed.  Seriously, not a day goes by that I don't feel a sense of reverence and gratitude for this home and the people who share it with me.  I know, I know, my repeated statement regarding this can be a little nauseating but I truly mean it!  I just admitted to skulking around the house at night...doesn't that alone show my earnestness?

Christmas present clock.

I love how big this house is.  Jake never gets tired of reminding me that when we were looking at houses to buy I told him that 1300 square feet would be sufficient.  Yikes!  In this house, everyone has at least one spot that is just their own.  The kitchen is huge and has plenty of room to bake and cook and visit all at the same time.  I spend an awful lot of time in that kitchen and I just love it.  There is a large portion of the basement that doubles as a family room as well as my own personal gym.  I've never had anything like that before!  The basement also has my craft room/spare bedroom/gun room/camping room/workshop.  So.  Much.  Space.  Jake has his own room down there too, just filled with all his favorite things, and is a quiet place for him to escape.  My bathroom has its retro pink tub and ginormous mirrors that allow me to see the back of my hair when sitting at the built-in vanity.  There are two fireplaces that are so cozy when they're lit.  And cupboards.  There are so many of those things that not all of them are even filled up!  Empty cupboards?!  Who'd have thought that was even possible!  The garden and berries and fruit trees keep my homesteading vibe within reach.  There are even cows and horses in the backyard that I can see from the back patio.  And that patio...I do love it out there!   My list could go on and on.

Cold morning on the patio.  

Our blueberries.  

Cows.  Obviously.

The horseshoe cross that Jon welded for me.

This house has always felt like home to us.  From the first night we moved in, it has always felt like we were meant to be here.  Together.  That feeling hasn't left me yet and I hope it never does.

But do you know what I love best about being here?  More than the house itself?  I love the life that is within its walls.  I grow and learn and create here daily.