I Think I've Written About This Before

 but I'm feeling like it might be something that I need to revisit many times.  Slow learner, maybe?

It's funny how unexpected things can spark something in us and cause us to have an epiphany of sorts.  Out of the blue, something we read or hear can make us feel like, wham, clarity.  Or sometimes, wham, you're an idiot.  

So I'm going to admit something.  Something I'm not particularly proud of.  Maybe even slightly embarrassed of, truth be told.  I watch "And Just Like That."  There, I've said it.  I am a pathetic middle-aged woman who regularly watches trashy television.  (If you're not familiar with this show, it is the sequel to the popular "Sex and the City" series.  But now the characters are middle-aged.  I'm not sure that I can even relate, but watching certainly makes my time on the treadmill scoot right along.)

Ok, so now that I've fessed up my dirty little secret, let me tell you about what part made me have the wham-o moment.  The main(ish) character is reading an excerpt from a book she has written and (I paraphrase here) says that we will all find ourselves needing to outgrow parts of our lives in order to keep living.  Even icky stuff that seems insurmountable.  It might still be big and ugly and scary, but we will, hopefully, grow bigger and stronger than the ick.  And when we grow, figuratively, (hopefully not literally) we will have to leave parts of ourselves behind.  Like after you have a baby and can't fit into those size 2 jeans anymore....you just throw that shit in the Goodwill bins and get the stretchy pants.  Evolution and good riddance!  Probably not the greatest analogy...

For some silly reason, this scene in the episode made me hop on the siderails of the treadmill and take a minute to consider deeply what I'd just heard.  Wham. 

I think we are supposed to stop trying to keep the status quo of our lives.  We are supposed to be open to giving up control of things we think we need to have control over.  We need to unlearn the way we've done things before and be open to learning a new way to live.

Flexibility?  Surrender?  Being in the moment and not worrying about the past or future?  I like these ideas.

Lately I have really struggled with my place in life.  My kids are *mostly* grown and don't need my help like they used to.  I've always been a Mom so this transition into not being a daily Mom has been surprisingly difficult for me.  I have felt lost and untethered.  Now, this could also be a symptom of menopause, but we can talk about that on another day...  My days have always revolved around kids and their accompanying detritus. What the heck do I do now?!

That is the million dollar question:  What the heck do I do now?  I have time. I have income.  I have freedom. I think I even have a certain amount of experience and wisdom.   And I feel lost and unsure of what I even like or who I even am.  Gosh, I reread that sentence and it sounds so melodramatic!  But I'm pretty sure I need to feel like this and embrace the unknowing in order to figure out the answers to the afore mentioned questions.   And then relearn me.  Hmm.  I kinda like how that sounds.  Relearn me.  

As always, I am open to suggestions.