It's funny, being that I haven't lived in my old house for almost a full year, that I am feeling so upset by its destruction. For the past several years that house was no longer a place of comfort and peace. No, it had become a battlefield. Fighting for it and some semblance of permanence left me exhausted and bewildered and numb. Probably a little bit angry too. Someday I'll tell that part of the story.
I was certainly expecting to feel a sense of loss for my family. We lost possessions. Jack lost his dream. With this fire we finished a chapter to our story. Yes, it was time for us to turn the page, for sure. But the emotions I am feeling are not what I anticipated.
I don't know that I have ever felt more alone. This is ridiculous because my paltry possessions pale in comparison to so many other people's losses. We still have a beautiful home to live in. We are out from under the oppressive control of the benevolent dictator who tried to keep us in a state of grovelling. We are happy again.
I just can't shake this feeling of fear and loneliness though. I suppose because I've lived with the fear of being left and abandoned or forgotten for so many years that this tragedy only intensifies those fears. As a person who has never really felt that I belonged anywhere, the loss of this home just adds to that insecurity.
As difficult as the past years have been for me, I still found some comfort in the familiarity of that old house. Maybe it was a touchstone of sorts? Probably. I fought hard to make it mine and it was where I found out how strong I could be. It was also where I learned to pretend that I wasn't hurting and how to bury how I felt in order hide my vulnerability. I don't like people to know how hurt I really feel. Now that it's gone, I'm left with some emotional loose ends that probably need to be tied up.
Like everything else in life, I'm sure this is just a process that I have to muddle through and on the other side I'll be fine. I just need some understanding, a hug, and the reassurance that I will be ok.
I'm sure of one thing after reading your blog. As a " member" of your family we never knew the "real" Julie!
ReplyDeleteWas she the woman who was so dedicated to her family that she home school the kids.Went to church with her family and judged sinners.Nope she is what you see now and I know that Bill has got to shed tears of sorrow for how she is raising his children. Full of hate for Grandparents, shacking up with a boyfriend a believing it's ok with the kids, and turning her back on God.
One thing I pray is your kids never forget about their father and they know how much their Grandparents did for their ungrateful Mother