Proud

I'm proud of all my kids.  Each one has made me proud at some point in their lives.  Repeatedly.  I'm proud of how they've dealt with change and death and being ignored by people who shouldn't ignore them.  I'm proud of their accomplishments.  I'm proud of what makes them each a unique human. 

But in the last few weeks, I've been especially proud of Jack.  This kid has experienced so much adversity in his short life. Death, abandonment, disappointment, destruction--he's had his fair share of crap. More than I ever had at his age, that's for certain.  Don't get me wrong, he's not perfect.  That's also for certain.  He says a particular word that rhymes with "duck" all too often.  He hangs up on me with regularity.  Sometimes the things he talks about make me cringe.   And I don't think he brushes his teeth often enough (after all that money for braces...).

But I'm a little in awe of his ability to know and recognize what he wants out of life.  And he does this with a teachable attitude.  This means that he knows what he wants but he's also willing to listen and heed another's advice or suggestions or ask for help.  I would say he's also humble and doesn't like being in the spotlight.  All and all, he's a pretty simple guy who doesn't require much to keep him happy. After losing everything in the fire, I think he now only owns a couple changes of clothes, 2 bath towels, and a toothbrush (that I bought him).   He seems to know when to fight for something and when to walk away from the fight.  He can fix just about anything.  And he works hard.  Very hard.  (But he also sleeps.  A lot.  His nickname is "Nappy Joe.")

Jake and I went up on the hill with Jack the other evening.  Back story:  Jake's family owns some beautiful property in the mountains/woods that was destroyed by the recent fire.  Jack (and his friend) will be cutting and logging some of the burnt trees in order to keep the property safe for family to enjoy and to create a new place to rebuild.  As I was sitting on the tailgate of Jack's pickup, watching him cut trees, I actually started to cry.  Here was my kid, the little blonde one who I remember so vividly packing around his toy power saw, doing what he always wanted to do.  Now he was packing a big saw, complete with all the accoutrements, felling timber like a pro.  Ah, but now he actually is a pro.  

I don't have to tie "tightening loops" for him anymore or string rope across his room to create a makeshift yarder.  I don't have to feed him or do his laundry or fuss at him for leaving his bacon pan on the counter anymore.  I can't read him a story on my lap, in my rocking chair before bed.  I really can't even tell him what to do.

But I do have the privilege of watching him actualize his dreams.  

And that makes this Mama very proud.

Birthday Week

My birthday is this week.  My 49th birthday to be exact. 

Geez.  That sounds old.

This week I think I'll write about life.  More specifically, I think I'll share the wisest stuff I can come up with.

1.  I've said this before but I believe it now more than ever:  Never trust a woman with overly-manicured fingernails.  Too high maintenance....in all aspects of life.

2.  Try not to overthink. * Everything*.  Take it all at face value and don't put your own spin on it.  Trust me on this.

3.  Everyone has a past.  Leave it right there and walk forward.

4.  Always tell the truth.  Even when it's hard.

5.  Learn to speak your truth and then do it.  Regularly.  Don't be afraid to communicate what you really need.

6.  Make your bed every morning.  

7.  Know your boundaries.  With people.  With whisky.  With your job.  With your kids.  With yourself.

8.  Always be open to the magic of possibilities.  

9.  There is nothing that a night's sleep won't put into better perspective.  Notice I didn't say "a good night's sleep".  Sometimes it's just gonna be sleep.

10.  Never get so busy that you forget to look up at the sky and marvel at the sunsets and the moon.

Family

We are all born into some sort of family.  Biologically we have a father and a mother.  Or at least an X and a Y chromosome represented in the creation of ourselves.  Often times we also have biological siblings who belong to this same alchemy of genealogical stuff.  Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, all with some sort of genetic connection to one another.  This is the family that you don't get to choose.

Sometimes there's the family that we inherit when we enter into a relationship or marriage with another person.  That connection is hit or miss.  Sometimes we get lucky and sometimes we get screwed.

Then, there's the biologically unrelated people who become like family to us.  Either through common experiences, similar lifestyles, or even by happenstance. These are the folks who we choose to spend our lives with.  That, there, is part of the magic of the universe.  

My biological family is a constant.  Always has been.  There is little I need to say about that relationship.  I look like my Mom, as do my girls.  But we all have my Dad's nose, as do most of my siblings.  I like to knit, just like my Grandma, and I like to bake, just like my other Grandma.  I was fortunate enough to grow up with two sets of Grandparents who, albeit somewhat different from one another, were present and involved in my life.  I knew where I belonged with them.  Always.  And my parents have always been a stable, immutable presence as well.  But there was that one time where they opted to use a fake Christmas tree and my very foundation was shaken.  Still recovering from that.

I inherited an amazing family when I started consorting with Jake.  (We jokingly used the word "consorting" because I felt that the word "dating" was too high school.😂  And now I think we've gone way beyond consorting, but I still like how it sounds.)  Kind, accepting, comforting, and generous, these folks are.  Not just to me, but to my kids.  I hit the jackpot here for sure.  Yes, but I also know what it's like to be on the other end of the spectrum with inherited "family".  Unfortunately, so, too,  do my kids.  This stark contrast is how I know I hit the jackpot this time around.  Never will I take this bond for granted.  The love and gratitude that I feel for this family helps soften and erase some of the abandonment, disregard, and hostility that used to be at the forefront of the lineage I came into years before.

My friends....

These are the ones who have driven me home and brought me whisky and cake and yarn and coffee.  These are the ones who have listened to my complaints and offered advice and danced with me to our favorite songs at 2:00 AM.  These people have cleaned my chimney and watched my kids for me when I needed a break and tried out the new sheets on my bed with me.  We have run together and had couple's massages together and traveled together.  We have cried and laughed, sometimes until we peed our pants (not me though, I have the lady parts of steel--kegels). We have dealt with tragedies and happiness and fear and crisis.  I've never been alone with these people. " Friends" is a word that doesn't quite grasp the magnitude of their position in my life.  These are my chosen family.

My birthday is swiftly approaching and I tend to get a little introspective around this time every year.  As I look ahead to my next trip around the sun I feel such gratitude for the good that exists in my life, both the experiences that I have had and the people who are around me.  I truly am lucky.  I hope to let go of the things and people that aren't in agreement with what I intend for the future.  

Oh, there is still so much fun to be had!  And so much "family" to be a part of it.

 

Afraid

It's funny, being that I haven't lived in my old house for almost a full year, that I am feeling so upset by its destruction. For the past several years that house was no longer a place of comfort and peace. No, it had become a battlefield. Fighting for it and some semblance of permanence left me exhausted and bewildered and numb. Probably a little bit angry too. Someday I'll tell that part of the story.

 I was certainly expecting to feel a sense of loss for my family. We lost possessions. Jack lost his dream. With this fire we finished a chapter to our story. Yes, it was time for us to turn the page, for sure. But the emotions I am feeling are not what I anticipated.

 I don't know that I have ever felt more alone. This is ridiculous because my paltry possessions pale in comparison to so many other people's losses. We still have a beautiful home to live in. We are out from under the oppressive control of the benevolent dictator who tried to keep us in a state of grovelling. We are happy again. 

 I just can't shake this feeling of fear and loneliness though. I suppose because I've lived with the fear of being left and abandoned or forgotten for so many years that this tragedy only intensifies those fears. As a person who has never really felt that I belonged anywhere, the loss of this home just adds to that insecurity.  

 As difficult as the past years have been for me, I still found some comfort in the familiarity of that old house. Maybe it was a touchstone of sorts?  Probably.  I fought hard to make it mine and it was where I found out how strong I could be. It was also where I learned to pretend that I wasn't hurting and how to bury how I felt in order hide my vulnerability.  I don't like people to know how hurt I really feel.  Now that it's gone, I'm left with some emotional loose ends that probably need to be tied up.

Like everything else in life, I'm sure this is just a process that I have to muddle through and on the other side  I'll be fine. I just need some understanding, a hug, and the reassurance that I will be ok.

Real. Unedited and Unfiltered.

My view from Triangulation Peak earlier in the summer.  That was real.

I quit Facebook back at the beginning of quarantine. I mean, I've abandoned FB before so it's not a huge deal. This time I was craving a little more peace and solitude in my life. And maybe some privacy too. Seems like I was subject to "approval" for my life choices from people I didn't ask for an opinion. It was either "Leave me the f*&k alone and mind your own business" or close down my account. I chose the latter, being non confrontational and all. 

 I don't have any big epiphanies to share about my time away. Nothing profound changed in my life (I found TikTok!). It was quiet and I like that. 

 Social media does invade your mind, a little bit at a time. There is too much information constantly bombarding our lives. People's opinions, their carefully edited snapshots, unwanted input, unnecessary information, inaccurate facts....The list goes on and on. Sometimes all of this inspires but more often it dulls us and makes us cynical.

 As a person who has spent too much time in "the dark place" in recent years, I am learning to carefully guard where my time is now spent and where my mind goes to play. My real life, the one I get to actually participate in, is way too extraordinary to waste much time in an artificial cyber world.

"My" shop. 

 

 As much as I enjoy seeing pictures of people's vacations and their kids and their dogs, I have found that the view from my back patio is much more satisfying to me. Rather than spending hours getting caught up on everyone else's life, I'd rather spend time with my people and create a life with them.  

I read a few quotes that have really stuck with me:    

 No, Facebook (or Insta, or whatever your choice of social media might be) isn't bad. I'm definitely NOT saying that.  I think I'll even pop on occasionally and see what's happening.  

It's just that I crave real. Unfiltered, unedited real.  And social media falls short on that.

                                

Biggest bass I've every caught.  And Jake's finger.  And a Whatchamacallit and Coke.  Definitely unedited and unfiltered.

Sharing: Computers and Such.

My computer died. I've been using the same old MacBook for years and it finally gave up the ghost. Luckily, I've got someone pretty awesome who is willing to share with me in order to facilitate my rambling/writing. And I just finished a rather large iced coffee so I'm definitely in the rambling mode. I haven't written in a while. Probably because I've been too busy canning and gardening in this beautiful new place. And my laptop died (see above statement). And because I have valued my privacy much more than ever. Not just my own privacy either. I have a few things to talk about. Things like losing my job and finding balance. And FINALLY running Hood to Coast, albeit remotely. And maybe a few thoughts about finding balance in life. Did I mention finding balance? Seems to be a pretty big focus in these crazy, weird days. I'll get to all that pretty soon. Today I just want to focus on making all of my people happy and being certain they know how much I love them. I've got a new space, all my own, to write in and the time to set aside to make it happen. I also have a new driver who can do all of my errands for me so I never have to leave the house again unless I want to! Bliss, I tell you. My life is beautiful and good.