Addled.

Lately I've felt especially untethered.  Teetering.  Unbalanced.  Without roots.

I suppose this feeling could be attributed to the change in weather or lack of sunlight that is ubiquitous right now.  Or the looming holiday season ahead with all its accompanying busyness.  It seems that this time of year always has me feeling somewhat self-destructive.  I spend money I don't have on things I don't need.  I have no appetite and stop eating.  I sleep too much and then not at all.  I quit feeling any emotions and then grasp at anything that causes me to get the feels, however small or fleetingly, and then end up making bad choices.  In people, in words, in whisky, in general.

There is also a tiny bit of good that comes out of this time and that is a deepened sense of introspection. An increase of self-awareness.  But that, unfortunately, leads me to feeling even more off-kilter.

I'm keenly aware of how strange my life has become.

I was walking with a friend the other morning and I was trying to find a way to clearly express to her how I was feeling.  I searched for the words and found a few analogies that seemed fitting.  I told her to imagine what that it felt like if you had spent your whole life trying to put together a huge puzzle which you thought was a picture of a field of sunflowers but it was really a picture of a snowy mountain range instead.  All this time your were trying to use blue and white and grey pieces to make a yellow and green and brown picture and you were not even finished with the edges yet.  Or imagine if you tried to play Monopoly using only the CandyLand board and playing pieces.  Or think about trying to follow a recipe to bake a chocolate cake from scratch and the only ingredients you have in your kitchen are for making venison and vegetable stew.

That is how I feel.  

Like I'm ill-equipped to succeed in this world.  That my ideals and values are neither true or realistic.  I feel as if my life has been nothing more than a mirage.  An illusion of reality.  I feel as if I have been inadequately prepared for "the real world" and I'm too old to relearn what to do.

I mean, was there a class that I missed somewhere?  Did everyone else take this Real World 101 class and I was just building a rocket out of a large cardboard box because I tested TAG?  (This is actually a true event!)  Maybe I was reading a book during this particular class period?

It just seems like I'm the only person who cannot grasp the rules of life.  Everyone else is playing this game and I'm just standing on the sideline trying to figure out what the hell is going on.  What is the object of the game?  Where is the freaking ball?  Who is on which team?  Is someone keeping score?  Is that against the rules?  Do I need special equipment to play this game?  Am I being judged on my ability to play?  Does this uniform make my ass look huge?

Everyone else seems to get it.  And it's all foreign to me.

Just an Indentation.

I caught up on some yard work during the Indian Summer weather we were fortunate enough to have  a few weeks ago.  Pruned, replanted, tore out, weeded.  Just basic yard maintenance stuff.  I got pretty filthy and ended up with a few well-earned blisters on my hands.  Nothing a good shower and a thorough scrubbing of my hands with Lava soap couldn't fix.  And during that hand washing moment I noticed something.  There, on my ring finger, is the still-obvious ridge of where my wedding ring used to be.

I took my ring off a year after Bill died.  I wore it on a chain around my neck for a while.  I had his band re-sized to fit on my right hand a week after he died.  It will remain there.  But I'm not sure why I took off my own gold band.  Well, that's not totally true.  I removed it as sort of an experiment, trying out how it would feel to be naked of that symbol after so many years.  Probably a first step in living alone.  Or at least a first step in that direction.  There's a little more to this part of the story actually and I'm not up to telling it right now but trust me when I say that I took the ring off for the right reasons.

When I look at the indentation on my finger it makes me feel just how much being alone sucks.

Oh, I can be OK on most days.  I don't mind getting up in the morning by myself because Bill was only home in the mornings on the weekends.  There's nothing foreign to me about morning solitude.  And I can be pretty much alright in the course of the afternoon too.  I stay plenty busy at work or catching up at home.  I even do reasonably OK in the evening hours because prior to his death Bill had worked a strange shift that brought him home at night around 11:00PM.  Again, I was used to solitude in the evenings.  But, oh the nighttime.  Nighttime is a whole different story.

I don't think I will ever get used to it.

At the end of the day all the things I think of to talk about and no one here to listen to me.  No one to plan for the future with.  No one to dream up an adventure with.  No one to "remember when" with.  Hear a scary sound outside?  I'm the one who has to check it out now.  Make sure the fire is going, fill the coffee pot, set the mousetrap.  All me now too.

Sometimes I let myself remember a boring, typical evening from before.  But I quickly tuck it back away in my mind because the simple contentedness of such times makes my heart hurt.  When I absentmindedly go to twirl the ring on my finger (nervous habit) and realize that it's no longer there I am flooded with regrets and self-pity and hopelessness.  Funny how a little gold band (no diamonds for me--too high maintenance) can make me feel so helpless and sad.  Claustrophobic about life and choices and the future.

This life I have right now is not the life I anticipated ever having to live.  It is a far, far cry from the life we built together.  My entire identity was woven with the threads of "us."  I know that "letting go" is my only choice.  But I just haven't quite figured out how to actually do that.  How do you choose what parts to let go of and what parts should remain?  Can any parts remain?  Lots to think about.

Just a tiny indentation but it represents an entire world.

Night Light.

When I was a little girl I made it a regular habit to get out of bed at night.  I don't remember if I was actually scared of the dark, which is likely, or if I just had to pee, which is also likely.  Either way, I would get out of my bed and go searching for the light.  That part I remember.  I would gather my blanket and a pillow and creep out of my bedroom into the hallway.  There was always a small ray of light that came in through my bedroom window from the streetlight outside and settled on the floor in the hall.  I think the patch of light was probably about a foot wide.  It was in that little area of illumination that I would spread out my blanket and lay down, my face always turned toward the light.  Only in the light could I fall back asleep.

I revisited this memory (or maybe the memory revisited me?) tonight when I got into bed.  There was the nearly-full moon, shinning in my window, lighting up a small space on my pillow.  Instinctively I turned my face to the brightness and felt the familiar comfort I had felt as a little girl.  Almost like deja vu.

Funny how something as small as this can bring such peace.

Love, Hate, and Indifference.

So, I had another epiphany on my run yesterday.

I was thinking about how people have moved in and out of my life.  That's a completely normal thing to happen so I'm not saying I'm worried about this.  It happens to everyone.  Sometimes it happens because lives go in different directions.  Sometimes it's because our commonality changes.  Sometimes our need for one another is modified enough that we go our separate ways.  And sometimes, sometimes we just no longer like each other.  And that brings me to my latest run-induced insight.

If I asked you to tell me what the opposite of love was what would you say?  Would you say "hate"?  I think most people would give me that answer.  But really, I think the complete opposite of hate is indifference.  Irrelevance.  Unimportance maybe.

You see, love is an emotion.  A sketchy, fickle emotion but an emotion just the same.  Love is full of ups and downs and those troublesome things called "feelings."  Love makes you feel good.  And sometimes it makes you feel bad for a while but probably so you can feel good when it resurfaces again. A cycle.  A cycle full of passion and depth and intensity.

And now let's talk about hate.  Hate is also an emotion.  It's just coming at us from the other end of the emotional spectrum.  Just like acids and bases are opposites on the pH scale but both have the power to dissolve and destroy objects, so it is with hate.  It has an equal amount of passion and depth and intensity.

Love comes barreling at us, full speed, from the left side while hate comes barreling at us, full speed, from the right side.  Makes sense, yes?

So I've realized that the opposite, contrasting feeling of love is indifference.  Within indifference there is the absence of passion.  There is the lack of depth and there is the void of feelings.   Complete disregard and uncaring.  Now that is the divergent sentiment to love.

I've come to believe that where hate exchanges places with love there is the presence of a deep anguish.  Maybe a trust has been broken or an expectation was not met.  There might be lies or cheating or cruel actions and words.  Hell, sometimes I think we might be so frustrated and guilt-ridden with our own actions that we project our self-hatred onto innocent folks.  But really it doesn't matter so much as to what took place or why.  The resulting hatred is a manifestation of unfulfilled expectations.  To ourselves or to others.

Where there is hate there is still fervor and feelings.  Where there is indifference, well, there is nothing left.  A void.  A vacuum.  And to me, that is a very scary idea.  When you arrive at that place I don't believe there is a return ticket back.

How To Choose

I went camping this weekend.  More specifically I went camping, with kids, by myself, at the end of a very curvy and steep (can you say cliff?) road.  Well, that's not a completely accurate statement.  I actually went camping with a load of very good friends but the driving part and the kids part is totally true.

 I detest packing and unpacking a car.  I stress over the planning of the logistics of a trip.  I don't really like traveling by myself.  I really, really dislike driving steep, cliff-edged roads.  Coordinating kids and their ensuing safety, eating, and sleeping needs whilst traveling causes enough anxiety to render me unable to enjoy myself.  And don't even get me started on the chaos that inevitably greets me once I return home.

But I did it.  I camped with kids and fed them football field nachos for dinner.  No one showered for days and I cannot begin to imagine how many cans of soda were consumed.  I drank beer in a parking lot and bourbon under the stars.  I even drove winding roads, albeit slowly, and got us where we needed to be.  In one piece!

I noticed on the way home that the vineys are starting to turn.  And I remembered how Bill would always find them at his job and cut several branches to bring home to me.  In fact, I don't think I considered Fall to have begun until he'd brought me home some of those maple branches.

Wham.  And the sadness slips in again.

A while back, I had someone send me a little blurb they'd found on Facebook probably.  Something about choosing a person who wanted to take care of you, not materialistically, but someone to take care of your heart and your soul.  Those maples made me think about those words.

Maybe we should choose to have people in our lives who will take the time to cut the branches or pick the wild flowers just because they know it will make us smile.  And maybe we should choose the person who will bring us licorice or gummy bears just because they know it's our favorite candy.  Or the one who will sweep or vacuum the mess off the floor because they know how much it annoys you and prevents you from relaxing on the sofa.  The one who knows your favorite song and remembers the name of the dog you had as a kid.  We should surround ourselves with the people who just sit and listen to our talking because they understand that putting those words into the air takes away some of their sting.

I guess it all comes down to finding people who want to quietly bring comfort and kindness and happiness into your life.  With no agenda.  Just to see you happy.  It seems like a simple idea but I'm finding that it's rather rare to find people like this.  Seems like there's an awful lot of selfish, cold, blind folks who can't figure out why their lives are so empty and sad.

And I think about those words again.  Heart and soul.  Fill them up with unselfish love.    

I do believe I can find some of those vine maples to cut by myself.  And I'm pretty sure that this time I'll share them with someone else.

Cyclical

As I was driving home from dropping the kids off at school this morning I noticed a few leaves had begun to turn.  No longer were they the deep green, lush array of summer but instead they were looking drier and vaguely yellowish orange.  I suppose that Fall is on the way.  That’s the thing about seasons--nothing you do can stop them from cycling onward.  

When I saw those leaves this morning I have to admit that the first emotion I felt was a vague feeling of sadness.  Of hopelessness maybe?  And that got me thinking.  Why was that the first thing I felt with the realization that the summer was ending?  Why didn't I feel a spark of excitement with the approaching change of Fall?  Why?

I know that I’m not opposed to the comfortable assurance that a new season is always imminent.  There is definitely comfort in that truth.   And I know that I don’t feel this way because I favor one season over the others.  I believe that each season holds its own beautiful magic and is to be honored and celebrated equally.  

What I think is it’s the awareness that change, any change, reflects on us that time is passing.  And with the passing of time I suppose we have feelings of regret over time squandered.  Opportunities not taken.  Goals not accomplished.  Words not spoken.  So I guess that is called regret and maybe that is the reason I feel this indistinct sense of sadness. 

I know that I am not even afraid of the next season.  My melancholy is not the result of uncertainty or trepidation.  The changes that Nature creates challenge me to embrace the particular offerings of the moment.  Like I said before--each new season has it’s own magic to enjoy.  There is no room for fear in these moments.  Think about how New Year’s heralds in new calendars and new resolutions.  How Spring calls you to throw open the windows and clear away the stuffiness of winter and the arrival of flowers and gardens and warm breezes.  And remember how Summer offers warm, star-filled nights and plentiful fresh foods harvested from the garden.   And Fall causes us to feel the draw to go inside again, maybe creating new schedules and thinking about laying the first fire of the season on an especially mild evening.  Hmmm.  I like to think about the potential each moment provides.

But still the sadness persists.

Maybe it's also how the passing of time takes us farther away from our prior life.  There are plenty of things we want to leave behind us and move away from.  For sure.  But there are many things that we begrudgingly move beyond and I suppose that is why there is a gloomy, heavy-hearted sense to the awareness of time and the world moving onward.  It just takes me farther away from the happiness that gets smaller and smaller when I look at it over my shoulder.

And now, I think I'll go for a run and be glad that the cooler weather is just around the corner.

My favorites.

Hey, so how about we depart from the normal gloomy, whiney reflections about my life and do something way more fun?  Let's take a look at some of my favorite things!

I promise to get back to the deep stuff soon though.

Rodan and Fields!  I love this stuff.  It's the best skincare I've ever used.  A little pricey but it lasts for months and really delivers what it promises.  I think I actually save money in the long run because I don't wear foundation and I don't spend money on the latest skincare trend anymore either.  

I'm usually a Tide girl, though I will admit to bouts of making my own laundry detergent before.  Persil wins in the end.  It even gets rid of the sock funk from Jack's work socks.  And no one has broken out in a rash from it either, which happens regularly with my sensitive-skinned spawn.

WTF weather app.  This is the funniest app on my phone.  You can moderate the language if you choose.

Down Dog yoga app.  I use this yoga app several times each week.  You can choose your level of yoga-ness, length of time for the workout, and type of practice.  And it's free!

These are the greatest hair products that I have ever used.  And having done hair for a gazillion years I'm pretty sure I've used almost everything on the market so I am definitely qualified to make this claim.  My hair is fine, curly and frizzy, and color-treated and it still feels soft and healthy when I use this.  A little goes a loooonnnnggg way so my travel-sized bottles last forever.  

I had never shopped at Kohl's until a few months ago.  It's a great store!  I'm not much of a shopper really (unless you count Goodwill) but I have found some excellent deals and cute stuff at Kohl's.  And that Kohl's cash?!  Well, it's awesome.

This is the herd share where I buy my milk.  Wonderful family and wonderful milk.  This is definitely worth the price!

Great recipes and beautiful photos.  And, I know the people who created this site!  I have not tried one recipe that I have not loved.  Even the paleo treats are excellent.  Visit Justin and Erica for some healthy eating inspiration.

I love my Vitamix.  I bought reconditioned off the Vitamix website and received the same warranty as if buying a new one.  I use this appliance more than anything else in my kitchen (except maybe my tea kettle).  Salsa, graham cracker crumbs, grinding spices, smoothies, milkshakes, margaritas, sorbet, the list is endless!  Buy one of these!