Cyclical

As I was driving home from dropping the kids off at school this morning I noticed a few leaves had begun to turn.  No longer were they the deep green, lush array of summer but instead they were looking drier and vaguely yellowish orange.  I suppose that Fall is on the way.  That’s the thing about seasons--nothing you do can stop them from cycling onward.  

When I saw those leaves this morning I have to admit that the first emotion I felt was a vague feeling of sadness.  Of hopelessness maybe?  And that got me thinking.  Why was that the first thing I felt with the realization that the summer was ending?  Why didn't I feel a spark of excitement with the approaching change of Fall?  Why?

I know that I’m not opposed to the comfortable assurance that a new season is always imminent.  There is definitely comfort in that truth.   And I know that I don’t feel this way because I favor one season over the others.  I believe that each season holds its own beautiful magic and is to be honored and celebrated equally.  

What I think is it’s the awareness that change, any change, reflects on us that time is passing.  And with the passing of time I suppose we have feelings of regret over time squandered.  Opportunities not taken.  Goals not accomplished.  Words not spoken.  So I guess that is called regret and maybe that is the reason I feel this indistinct sense of sadness. 

I know that I am not even afraid of the next season.  My melancholy is not the result of uncertainty or trepidation.  The changes that Nature creates challenge me to embrace the particular offerings of the moment.  Like I said before--each new season has it’s own magic to enjoy.  There is no room for fear in these moments.  Think about how New Year’s heralds in new calendars and new resolutions.  How Spring calls you to throw open the windows and clear away the stuffiness of winter and the arrival of flowers and gardens and warm breezes.  And remember how Summer offers warm, star-filled nights and plentiful fresh foods harvested from the garden.   And Fall causes us to feel the draw to go inside again, maybe creating new schedules and thinking about laying the first fire of the season on an especially mild evening.  Hmmm.  I like to think about the potential each moment provides.

But still the sadness persists.

Maybe it's also how the passing of time takes us farther away from our prior life.  There are plenty of things we want to leave behind us and move away from.  For sure.  But there are many things that we begrudgingly move beyond and I suppose that is why there is a gloomy, heavy-hearted sense to the awareness of time and the world moving onward.  It just takes me farther away from the happiness that gets smaller and smaller when I look at it over my shoulder.

And now, I think I'll go for a run and be glad that the cooler weather is just around the corner.