We're All a Train Wreck!

 I have to admit something.  Something that I'm a little ashamed to admit actually.  

I have selfishly thought that the traumatic and devastating events in my life are worse than other people's misfortunes.  

There.  I said it.  I have kept score and ranked my adversity above others.  

I'm not sure what got me thinking about this while running today.  I do love how a nice hard run offers clarity to the nonstop narrative in my mind.  It occurred to me that my trials were not necessarily more difficult than others but just disparate.  

And why was I keeping an unofficial score?!  What an ass!

I think we are all unfortunate recipients of bad stuff at some point in life.  Disease.  Death.  Financial disaster.  Deceit.  Lies.  Heartache.  Confusion.  Fear.  Abandonment.  Loss.  The list is nearly unending.

No one is immune to this stuff.  

So, if we are all suffering from some unavoidable and agonizing situations, then aren't we all part of the same train wreck?  And if we're all a train wreck then aren't we all "Even Steven" in the equation of existence?

Let me say, so as no one thinks I've been cold-hearted and uncaring, that I have felt so much empathy to those around me who I see suffer.  Your heart hurts, my heart hurts.  But I have also learned that it is necessary for me to separate myself from their pain in order to not get sucked into the abyss of despair.  

Sound a little dramatic?  Maybe.  But I've been in that abyss before, for far too long, and it is not a fun place.  

I'm a fixer.  I want to fix all that is wrong.  #41-50 of my "50 Things I Have Learned in Life" should be the same lesson, repeated 10 times:  I cannot fix things. 

Life is rough sometimes and it cannot be fixed.   You know what I can do though?  I can remember that we're all going to be part of the train wreck at some point in time and we all just need a little bit of love and grace to get us through when it's our turn. 

Choo-choo, my friends.

Part IV

 31.  Know when to remove yourself from your life.  Sometimes you need a break from everything and just need to regroup alone.

32.  Admit when you make a mistake.  

33.  Don't apologize for someone else's perception of wrongdoing.  

34.  You are ultimately only responsible for yourself.  You cannot change how other people respond or how they think.   

35.  Eat well, sleep enough, and do some sort of physical work.  Do these three things most of the time.  That's healthy living.

36.  Say what you mean.  I am always amazed at how honest and direct communication can make life so much easier.

37.  Check the oil.  Rotate the tires.  Keep the interior (fairly) clean and tidy.  

38.  You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.  This applies to everything!  I also like to say, "If it looks like shit and smells like shit, it is, without a doubt, shit."  

39.  Wash your sheets weekly.  There's nothing like getting into a clean bed at night.

40.  Don't let the dishes pile up.  Or the laundry.  Do a little housework every single day and it will not get too overwhelming.  

Part III

 21.  Scrub all the floors at least twice each year.  And I mean really scrub them, with a new brush and down on your hands and knees.  

22.  Never go more than 3 days without doing some sort of exercise.  Working out has given me the necessary expenditure of energy that subsequently keeps my emotions in check.  I believe that the thousands of miles I have run through the years have probably saved a few lives. 

23.  You.  Must.  Laugh.  Often and a lot.  

24.  Realize that nothing in life is linear.  Expect this truth.

25.  Buy quality haircare products.  From your stylist.  At a salon.  Throw the bottles of Pantene out the window!

26.  Read or at least listen to books often.  Mix it up with both fiction and nonfiction varieties.  I am always surprised at the rabbit holes I end up going down as the result of reading an excellent book.  And I am also amazed at how my interest is piqued by subjects I never even knew I was interested in!

27.  Cheap beer.  Expensive whiskey.  And red Powerade if there's too much of either.

28.  Don't settle.  Don't tolerate.  Don't allow disrespect.  Walk the f*& away and don't look back.

29.  Find things that you love the scent of and use them often.  I love the smell of French NUXE products for my shower,  Mrs. Meyer's cleaners when I clean house, and Tide laundry soap for laundry.  Palo santo incense, lemon candles, and sandalwood essential oil make things smell great anywhere else.  

30.  Have traditions and rituals, seasonally and daily.  I always listen to the same Christmas music when wrapping Christmas presents.  I have used the same Halloween cookie cutters for ginger cookies when October hits.  I drink a glass of water every morning before I do anything else.  I always make chocolate truffles for Valentine's Day.  You get the idea.  Those little traditions are the cornerstones of life.

Next Installment...

 11.  People will always let you down.  That's the problem with having expectations.  Just be sure to not let yourself down.  

12.  Simple is almost always the best way.  With communication, with clothing, with the food you eat, with your lifestyle, with just about everything.  

13. Don't trust girls with high-maintenance fingernails.  I've said this before and I will always stick by that.

14.  Try not to let another person's actions (or words or behavior) affect your life to the degree that you give up your control.

15.  Always stop and buy lemonade from a kid's lemonade stand.

16.  Take care of your teeth.

17.  Know your worth.  Sure, there are going to be times that you feel unsure about your value.  That's just life.  But deep down in your gut, know your worth and don't let anyone or anything make you forget it.

18.  Sometimes you need to take a chance and just jump right in.

19.  Most rules have an exception or can be broken.  Actually, most rules should be broken at some point.  Just don't break the law or hurt anyone in the doing.

20.  Butter never margarine.  Real whipped cream not CoolWhip.  Whole milk not skimmed.  Fresh eggs never store bought.  Scratch baked goods not boxed.  (Except Hamburger Helper Potatoes Stroganoff on occasion--embarassingly real confession)

It's That Time of Year Again.

 The birthday is coming up swiftly again.  Yeeks.

I like to get all introspective around my birthday.  I think it's to be certain that I'm not stagnating and am still learning stuff despite the whole getting older thing.  You're never too old to learn something new or change a previous mindset.  

What have I learned this year?  Oh my.  That list could be long.  Hey, maybe what I should do is make a list of 51 things I have learned this year.  Well, maybe not things I've learned from only this year but maybe 51 things I've learned in my 51 years.  Hmmmm.  Might take a few episodes.

1.  My mind is a whirling dervish of *oftentimes* untrue thoughts. Seriously, my mind can make up all kinds of crazy stuff.  I am learning to tell that absurdly implausible bitch to pipe down!

2.  There is a fine line between selfishness and self-awareness.  One is appalling and one is rather admirable.  I am always trying to ensure that I'm walking on the correct side of that line.

3.  Too much cardio just hurts my knees.

4.  My value is not tied up in what I can accomplish or how much I can juggle.  (See #2)

5.  I can be peculiar and say peculiar things and think peculiar thoughts and still be just fine.  As long as I understand what I'm doing, well, I think I'm good.

6.  Trust is more valued than kindness sometimes.  Kindness can be a sham but trust, honest to goodness trust, is real.

7.  I'm sorry but I just have to say it:  fake eyelashes scare me to death.

8.  I will always, always plant too many green beans.

9.  Instacart.  My savior.  Seriously, you've got to try Instacart.  The amount of time and money (no more impulse buys!) it saves me far outweighs the cost of the service fees, tips, and delivery fees.

10.  There is very little in life that a good night's sleep can't fix.  Might just be my perspective that gets fixed but that alone is often enough.

Currently...

 

Wow.  This has been a spring to remember.  Just wow.

Covid seems to have disappeared sometime back in March and its hasty departure left a tangle of chaos and disarray in its place.  A giant mess for us to clean up  Or at least attempt to.

Then the ridiculous weather prevented baseball and softball seasons from carrying on as usual.  So much for my favorite spring tradition!  Poor Jon has been robbed of playing 4 years of high school baseball;  9th grade was a success, 10th grade was canceled due to Covid, 11th grade was abbreviated due to Covid, and 12th grade was one giant rainout!

And now I'm winding down in the last few weeks of the school year, preparing for Jon to graduate.  He will actually be the first of my kids who will graduate from high school.  The older two were fortunate enough to graduate from the school of Mom (aka homeschool) but didn't have the experience of formal graduation.  There are a lot of peripheral details that go into the planning and carrying out of this event! Not to mention the emotions that seem to effervesce through my heart at the thought of having now raised 3 children into adulthood.  Geez.  Did I do that??

Which brings me to the inconceivable fact that Sarah just turned 13.  What the altogether heck?!  I don't even know what to say about that.

We did have a lovely birthday celebration for Sarah though.  All of my kids were with us for dinner which made my heart happy.  Sarah wanted to have dinner at Sierra and as we all gathered and shared a meal, I looked around at our huge table filled with family and just felt so grateful and content.  On the drive home, those feelings leaked out of my eyes.  

Oh, and I forgot to tell about our recent weekend in Astoria!  Jake and I met his brother and sister-in-law (Julie #1) in Astoria for a little vacation.  This was a Christmas gift from Jake's parents for all of us and we had so much fun.  We shopped, ate, walked, hung out in a sketchy tavern, took multiple baths, watched TV. and just relaxed.  We laughed too.  A lot.  We both love being at home so leaving for an entire weekend is a big goings-on for us!  So.  Much.  Fun.

Jake got my garden tilled up recently and now I'm getting ready to plant!  It's a big garden this year-bigger even than last year!  In fact, I think it's the biggest garden I've ever had.  He likes to tell people that he made it big enough to keep me busy and out of trouble.  We've also been finishing up the new chicken coop and when I say "we" I mostly mean him.  It's big and red as a barn and will have my favorite barn quilt (a birthday present!) on the side when it's all finished.  I'll definitely have to post some yard and garden pictures soon.  I just love it here so much.

We have a baby cow now too!  His name is Shakey and we will bottle feed him until the end of summer.  And in the next few years, he will reside in the freezer in our basement.  But we don't talk about that.  *side note*  when we were looking for houses to buy, Jake really wanted to find a house with enough property so that I could keep my little herd of cows.  Fast forward to now and our bovine situation is so much better than I could have asked for!  I get to see them born and feed them sometimes and sit on the back porch and watch their antics every day.  He delivered exactly what I hoped for.  💕  

Would it be nauseating to talk about how contented I am?  And how happy I feel?  And how much at peace I am (most of the time)?  I wonder if people get tired of hearing this?  Like I said earlier, sometimes the emotions just effervesce and I'm awestruck with how my life is unfolding.  My people and I are safe and loved and cared for and respected and understood (most of the time).  My silly little heart overflows.

 

18.

 Tomorrow evening my third child will turn 18.  That means I've "raised" three of my four kids to adulthood.  Just one to go.  Or at least something like that.

Jon was born with little fanfare.  It was a straightforward and fast birth.  Naming him was a different story, however.  That took a few days and his grandfather was the one who suggested "Jonathan" as a name.  I added the "Henry" part.  

Jon was always an individual.  He didn't ever care what other people thought about his choices in clothing, music, activities.  Nope, Jon always did his own thing.  And his own thing was often a little quirky for sure!  

There is no better storyteller than Jon. Sure, many of his stories are unadulterated crap and you never know if he's telling the truth or telling a convincing story that resembles the truth.  He's fooled me plenty.  He inherited this skill from his Pop.  Maybe a little bit from me too.  Ahem.  Let's just say he came by it honestly.

On my kids' birthdays, I like to share a few bits of wisdom for them to ruminate on in the upcoming year.  

1.  Know your boundaries.  With people, beer, leisure time.  Don't let anyone convince you that they know better than you do or that your limits aren't ok.  Your gut won't lie to you.

2.  Any job worth doing is worth doing well.  Don't be a half-asser.

3.  People will disappoint you.  Know when to move on and learn how to let go without guilt. 

4.  Life will be unfair.  Have integrity anyway and ALWAYS do the right thing.  It might not be the easy thing either.

5.  Don't eat nonfat food.  Always go with full fat.  It's better for you and it tastes better.

6.  Save your money and time for things that will last.  Temporary isn't worth it.

7.  Try to always smell good.

8.  Never, ever stop learning.  There's always something more to learn.  

9.  Clean up as you go.  It's easier to keep things tidy and organized if you put in the work every day rather than waiting until things are a huge mess.

10.  Do not ever take yourself or life too seriously.  There is always an opportunity for fun.  Know how to find it.

Happy birthday, Jon!  Keep on being you.  I love you!

7

 Seven years ago tonight my life stopped being my life.  Well, at least the life that I had been living and the one that I was familiar with.  I don't want to think about that night very much, or the days that followed.  I don't much like to think about the years that followed either.  At least not the first few years.

 There was so much fear.  And bewilderment.  Confusion.  More fear.  Overwhelming sadness that bordered on despair.  Eventually, there was resignation.  Maybe a little desperation.  And guilt.  The guilt was a surprise to me. How come I couldn't fix this, for both myself and my kids?  

Silver linings?  Yeah, there were a few of those too.  I found my independence.  I found strength that I didn't know I possessed.  I started to find authenticity.  

There was so much we lost.  But in the losing, there was so much we learned and gained.  

Life is unfair.  To all of us really, but just in different ways.  We all get our dose of pain.  Every.  Single.  Person.  No one escapes this truth.

I suppose it's what we do with that pain that ultimately matters.  

 

This quote has always resonated with me, both literally and figuratively.  I have tried so hard to keep true to this idea, oftentimes falling so very short of the mark, but trying just the same.  

Imperfection and failure have been my close friends through the years.  I know them well and am not bothered by their insistent presence any longer.  We have a good relationship now.

Seven years is a long time.  Part of who I am exists because of the before.  Part of who I am is a result of the after.  And part of who I am is, thankfully, because of the present.  I will forever be thankful for all of it.  None shall be forgotten.

Not ever.

Two Years.

This year's Christmas tree.

 We have lived in our house for two years now.  We closed on this house the day after Christmas two years ago and immediately began moving our belongings in.  That was a process, let me tell you!

         My favorite farmer plowing my garden.

Me using power tools.  Scary.

This is the eleventh (I think that's right?) house that I have lived in.  And it has definitely earned the honor of being my most favorite.  Want me to admit something silly?  Sometimes I get up in the middle of the night and just wander around the house and feel overwhelming appreciation for exactly where I have landed.  Seriously, not a day goes by that I don't feel a sense of reverence and gratitude for this home and the people who share it with me.  I know, I know, my repeated statement regarding this can be a little nauseating but I truly mean it!  I just admitted to skulking around the house at night...doesn't that alone show my earnestness?

Christmas present clock.

I love how big this house is.  Jake never gets tired of reminding me that when we were looking at houses to buy I told him that 1300 square feet would be sufficient.  Yikes!  In this house, everyone has at least one spot that is just their own.  The kitchen is huge and has plenty of room to bake and cook and visit all at the same time.  I spend an awful lot of time in that kitchen and I just love it.  There is a large portion of the basement that doubles as a family room as well as my own personal gym.  I've never had anything like that before!  The basement also has my craft room/spare bedroom/gun room/camping room/workshop.  So.  Much.  Space.  Jake has his own room down there too, just filled with all his favorite things, and is a quiet place for him to escape.  My bathroom has its retro pink tub and ginormous mirrors that allow me to see the back of my hair when sitting at the built-in vanity.  There are two fireplaces that are so cozy when they're lit.  And cupboards.  There are so many of those things that not all of them are even filled up!  Empty cupboards?!  Who'd have thought that was even possible!  The garden and berries and fruit trees keep my homesteading vibe within reach.  There are even cows and horses in the backyard that I can see from the back patio.  And that patio...I do love it out there!   My list could go on and on.

Cold morning on the patio.  

Our blueberries.  

Cows.  Obviously.

The horseshoe cross that Jon welded for me.

This house has always felt like home to us.  From the first night we moved in, it has always felt like we were meant to be here.  Together.  That feeling hasn't left me yet and I hope it never does.

But do you know what I love best about being here?  More than the house itself?  I love the life that is within its walls.  I grow and learn and create here daily.