Contentment

Contentment:  noun; the state of happiness and satisfaction

This has not been a familiar feeling for me for many years.

A sweet friend mentioned to me that other day how strange it was to see me idle in my new home.  To not hear of the latest plans I had to repaint a room or rearrange some furniture or redecorate some space was not something she had ever witnessed with me before.  This got me thinking.  And she was correct.  Reinvention has always been a part of me.

That, in turn, made me think about why I changed things so often?  Gosh, did I have some crazy, deep-seated issues that made me redo everything in my life in order to escape reality or hide from myself?  Was this a horrible habit that I would forever continue to revisit?   Was it really actually even a bad thing?

Sorta kinda.

You see, I think that discontent has been my companion for many years.  I haven't exactly been unhappy, certainly not miserable, but not content or fulfilled either.  Something always seemed to be missing and that missing thing is what I was always attempting to find through changing things around me.  "Order (or reorder) your surroundings and your life will follow" has always felt right to me.

I believe that a certain amount of change is good for us all.  It encourages flexibility and helps us be open to learning new things.  But being in a constant state of the redo makes us forget, albeit temporarily, our reality.  It also makes us ungrateful for what we already do possess.

I haven't painted a single wall since I've been here.  Not one.  Well, except for the chalkboard wall in the basement but that was for Sarah's use.  I haven't rearranged anything besides a few shelves in the kitchen either.  I haven't insisted on much really.  I've just been.  Allowed things to unfold.  Let other people make the decisions.  And do you know what I've learned from this?  I have learned contentment.

Look at that definition at the top of the page, please.  That is where I am.  For the first time in many years, if not for the first time ever, I am living in the present--the now-- surrounded by happiness and satisfaction.  *happy sigh* There is not room here for sadness or anger or regret or envy or fear or whatever it is that contributes to the discontent.

Read the definition again.  It has taken a lifetime to get to this place, both literally and figuratively.  And this is exactly where I want to stay.