Someone (well intentioned) asked me the other day what was the hardest part, thus far, about trying to navigate through this new life that I had been unceremoniously dropped into.
(So maybe I should explain briefly what happened to me, you know, just in case there is one person reading this who doesn't know me or my story. Really?!? Surely only people who actually know me read this stuff? Anyway, to catch you unknowing reader(s) up on my life: My husband died unexpectedly--like totally unexpectedly--in January of 2015. After nearly 20 years of marriage--and an excellent one too, I might add--I was left alone, with 4 kids, no job, and no idea what to do or where to go. No idea at all. There now. You're caught up.)
Hmmm. It got me to thinking. What was the hardest part? Was it being alone for the first time in my adult life? Was it trying to raise children by myself? Was it having to find a way to support my family after being "just" a wife and mother for 20 years? Was it the complete lack of security and stability that I now encountered daily? Maybe it was the suffocating sadness and grief that was always my companion? Could it be losing my best friend and thinking I'd never find someone who understood me and valued me as much as Bill?
Oh yeah, those things all suck for sure. Trust me when I say that they REALLY suck. But none of those examples represent the hardest thing I've had to face.
The hardest thing has been learning to let go. Obviously letting go of my husband is the very hardest thing. I kinda loved him a lot. But it's all the other things I had to learn to let go of as well. I'm still learning! Nearly every day I confront a new reason to let something go. It's hard and exhausting and confusing.
I have let go of the need to keep a spotless house. I have had to let go of some ideals for living that no longer can be prioritized. I have let go of the ban on Gatorade, Gogurt, and Fritos. I've had to liberate certain emotions, pull up my big girl panties, and just plow on through some stuff. I've had to let go of a few grudges. There are even people I've had to let go of. Now THAT is hard. I've had to let go of my pride and ask for help at times. I've let go of the idea of having that traditional family, white picket fence and all. I've given up home schooling and enrolled my kids in public school. I haven't baked bread in months. My garden looks like a weed (not THAT kind of weed) patch. I'm pretty sure we've had ice cream for breakfast and dinner and I've drunk whiskey before noon.
But the worst thing to let go of? That's easy. It's the idea in my head of how my life was supposed to turn out. Not all the little details, but just the general story of how things should have unfolded. It's something I struggle with every single day, this letting loose of the vision. I am reminded with each event or experience I encounter what could have or should have been. And each time I have to just let it go. I suppose it's becoming more like a mirage now. Something vague and not completely formed that I can just glimpse from a distance, all the while knowing that the existence is not real.
I have to let go of that vision because even though things have changed I'm still here, the kids are still here, the picket fence is still here. But now I'm just waiting on a new vision to form. And I'm finding that I'm not so good at it.
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