7

 Seven years ago tonight my life stopped being my life.  Well, at least the life that I had been living and the one that I was familiar with.  I don't want to think about that night very much, or the days that followed.  I don't much like to think about the years that followed either.  At least not the first few years.

 There was so much fear.  And bewilderment.  Confusion.  More fear.  Overwhelming sadness that bordered on despair.  Eventually, there was resignation.  Maybe a little desperation.  And guilt.  The guilt was a surprise to me. How come I couldn't fix this, for both myself and my kids?  

Silver linings?  Yeah, there were a few of those too.  I found my independence.  I found strength that I didn't know I possessed.  I started to find authenticity.  

There was so much we lost.  But in the losing, there was so much we learned and gained.  

Life is unfair.  To all of us really, but just in different ways.  We all get our dose of pain.  Every.  Single.  Person.  No one escapes this truth.

I suppose it's what we do with that pain that ultimately matters.  

 

This quote has always resonated with me, both literally and figuratively.  I have tried so hard to keep true to this idea, oftentimes falling so very short of the mark, but trying just the same.  

Imperfection and failure have been my close friends through the years.  I know them well and am not bothered by their insistent presence any longer.  We have a good relationship now.

Seven years is a long time.  Part of who I am exists because of the before.  Part of who I am is a result of the after.  And part of who I am is, thankfully, because of the present.  I will forever be thankful for all of it.  None shall be forgotten.

Not ever.

Two Years.

This year's Christmas tree.

 We have lived in our house for two years now.  We closed on this house the day after Christmas two years ago and immediately began moving our belongings in.  That was a process, let me tell you!

         My favorite farmer plowing my garden.

Me using power tools.  Scary.

This is the eleventh (I think that's right?) house that I have lived in.  And it has definitely earned the honor of being my most favorite.  Want me to admit something silly?  Sometimes I get up in the middle of the night and just wander around the house and feel overwhelming appreciation for exactly where I have landed.  Seriously, not a day goes by that I don't feel a sense of reverence and gratitude for this home and the people who share it with me.  I know, I know, my repeated statement regarding this can be a little nauseating but I truly mean it!  I just admitted to skulking around the house at night...doesn't that alone show my earnestness?

Christmas present clock.

I love how big this house is.  Jake never gets tired of reminding me that when we were looking at houses to buy I told him that 1300 square feet would be sufficient.  Yikes!  In this house, everyone has at least one spot that is just their own.  The kitchen is huge and has plenty of room to bake and cook and visit all at the same time.  I spend an awful lot of time in that kitchen and I just love it.  There is a large portion of the basement that doubles as a family room as well as my own personal gym.  I've never had anything like that before!  The basement also has my craft room/spare bedroom/gun room/camping room/workshop.  So.  Much.  Space.  Jake has his own room down there too, just filled with all his favorite things, and is a quiet place for him to escape.  My bathroom has its retro pink tub and ginormous mirrors that allow me to see the back of my hair when sitting at the built-in vanity.  There are two fireplaces that are so cozy when they're lit.  And cupboards.  There are so many of those things that not all of them are even filled up!  Empty cupboards?!  Who'd have thought that was even possible!  The garden and berries and fruit trees keep my homesteading vibe within reach.  There are even cows and horses in the backyard that I can see from the back patio.  And that patio...I do love it out there!   My list could go on and on.

Cold morning on the patio.  

Our blueberries.  

Cows.  Obviously.

The horseshoe cross that Jon welded for me.

This house has always felt like home to us.  From the first night we moved in, it has always felt like we were meant to be here.  Together.  That feeling hasn't left me yet and I hope it never does.

But do you know what I love best about being here?  More than the house itself?  I love the life that is within its walls.  I grow and learn and create here daily.