One Hot Mess

I cried in the middle of Dick's Sporting Goods the other day.  I've actually done this before so I guess it's no surprise that I would do it again.

Yes indeed, I was a hot mess.  Kinda think it's my MO these days.

Expanding on that image......

I sat down with Jon tonight and asked him to explain football to me.  Now I understand the basic concepts and strategies about football--I'm not totally ignorant to the sport.  God knows I've watched enough of it that I'd be a damn fool not to have picked up at least a little something.  But I was more interested in having Jon explain it to me in order to see if he actually understood what he was supposed to be doing.  Isn't there a saying about not fully understanding something until you've taught it to another person?  That's what I was trying to do, I guess.

The kid knows his stuff.  Like drew me pictures and stuff and explained each position in great detail  to me.  He showed me how and why certain plays were better than others.  He even explained the secret codes (my words) of the plays.  Yeah, he knows what he's talking about and I was impressed.

And then I was sad and had to go into the field and cry with the cows for a while.  See, I shouldn't have to be the person raising these kids by myself.  I shouldn't have to do things like buy girdles (with the knee pads because that's super important apparently!) and decide which cleats (high top or low) were appropriate for a receiver (Low ones, I know.).  I'm so tired of being the person who tells these kids about stuff I really don't know about.  Ever watch a YouTube video to learn how to throw a curve ball or how to correct a batting stance or move around a scope on a gun?  Well I have and I freaking hate every part of it.

I suppose all parents feel inept at some point in their parenting career.  But let me tell you that I have never felt more incapable of raising these kids than I have in the past year.  When I think ahead to all that I still have left to teach or impart to these kids (driving lessons?  dating?  making bad decisions?) I am nearly paralyzed by fear and the feeling of insurmountable responsibility.

I've got no co-parent.  I've got no one but me.  And I'm a hot mess.