I've been reflecting on these two words for the last several months. I'm not sure I can even successfully convey the thoughts and feelings I've concluded on the matter. I don't know if I've even completely figured out how these play into my life. But this place is where I write stuff down so I guess I'll have a go at explaining myself.
Idealism: the practice of forming or pursuing ideals, especially unrealistically. Want a few synonyms? Dreamer. Perfectionist. Optimist. Romantic. Escapist.
OK, now how about a few antonyms: Pragmatic. Realist. Definitive.
I am unashamed to admit that I have always attempted to live my life as an idealist. A perfectionist of sorts, really. And it totally worked.........
It worked while my life was existing on a tidy, narrow, unsullied path.
Then the earth opened up and swallowed my path and set in its place an unmarked swamp filled with snakes and poison ivy vines and hungry bears. AND this particular location is under attack by snipers and airplanes dropping bombs. And did I mention that I was also barefoot and hungry whilst navigating the trail?
That is precisely where my idealism has gotten me.
During our life together, Bill and I had high expectations (see, this is where that other word comes into play) for ourselves and each other. We were very compatible in this way. We both agreed on the "way" we should live, how our kids should be raised, the types of activities we involved our family in, and the types of people we would associate with. We were particular to a fault and most likely a little bit uppity because of this. (insert clearing of my throat here) None of that negative stuff mattered to us because in our little world, the one we so carefully created and tended, we were happy and felt like we were thriving. But just as a beautiful flower garden dies away when the first frost touches its blossoms, so have I found myself with the remnants of our life. When the first, albeit major storm hit, then WHAM, all those carefully laid plans fell apart too.
Now as I look backwards, I can see how our idealism was the complete opposite of what we were striving for. It didn't help me, instead it has impeded me. I am unprepared for "real" life stuff. The rules we had don't apply to the rest of the world and I'm kind of old to be relearning this basic truth. It's frustrating to be so immature and inexperienced when I really am quite the reverse. In reality I'm marginally intelligent, creative, honest, and hardworking but completely illiterate and blind when faced with the realities of life. Trust me when I say that the irony is not lost on me.
I can run a household with my eyes closed but I can't recognize when I'm being taken advantage of or being lied to? I am really good at being a wife and mother and taking care of others but I'm unable to navigate my own life by myself? I am independent and crave solitude but being alone is too isolating and desolate for me now?
What the hell is wrong with me?
Now let's talk about expectations. Hopes. Ambitions. Dreams. Aspirations. Beliefs. The expectations that we hold are what create the idealism. By adding all the expectations we possess together we create the ideal. See how that works?
There is nothing wrong with having high expectations for oneself. In fact I believe the reverse idea, having little expectations of oneself, is a more detrimental notion. Having low expectations might make us feel as if we're doing well when we're actually existing at a sub par level. I've always felt that having high(er) expectations can help us achieve our greatest potential. There's nothing wrong with working hard or at least trying hard and then reaping the benefits of those successes. But when those expectations cause the correct priorities in life to go awry, well then, that is how we fall into the snare of idealism.
For example, is striving to have a magazine-worthy house more important than having a comfortable home where people and their detritus are emphasized and embraced? Is working long hours or going into debt in order to have the latest and greatest more important than freeing up precious time in order to nurture and create lasting relationships? Are we forcing relationships that are not healthy in order to appear fulfilled and connected to another instead of concentrating on the real, messy, honest ones?
Certain choices may look great from the outside but in the end, only our pride is satisfied. Our souls hunger for the real stuff.
So I guess the conclusion of sorts that I have come to is that life is not a well-rehearsed movie set. Life is not about blindly ignoring the ugliness and imperfections that exist around us, pretending our way is the best and only way. Life is about accepting the raw and unbeautiful. It is about humility and openness. It is brutal honesty and uncomfortability.
Life cannot be lived in a sterilized fortress. Even one that is carefully and thoughtfully constructed with no ill intent directed towards others. Indeed, my idealism did not originate from a place of viciousness. I never wanted to make another person envious or feel badly about themselves (which I do believe is a common byproduct of idealism) when observing my life. If anything I suppose I was hoping to inspire or encourage people who I might come in contact with. How silly that seems now.
The world is big. Almost inconceivably big. And I am just one more person trying to find happiness, create something beautiful, and give love and acceptance to those I may encounter. Over-zealous and unrealistic ideals and expectations just give us a false sense of control and interrupt the true process of living. That is, after all, what life is--a process. A process we must not try to manipulate but instead, allow to unveil whatever is ours to possess in the moments. Sometimes it will be amazing and sometimes it will be raw and ugly. We must be willing to take it all and trust the process.
